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A Typical Christmas Eve | What Happens Every Year

“I’m not about to read all of this shit”, that’s fine. Just keep in mind, reading something other than a status update might not be the worst thing for your illiterate ass. But “I’m juss sayiiin”…

Three Negative Aspects of Christmas Eve

Awkward Family Photos:

While you’re making multiple trips to your parents refrigerator, you’ll probably noticed something strange. Such as, a family that you didn’t even know existed. Why on earth a picture of them is on “your” fridge is beyond you… but god damn, those are some ugly looking kids.

Wet Socks:

Getting together with family is a common Christmas Eve tradition. Furthermore, it’s only a matter of time before the person who never takes their shoes off arrives. Before you know it, someone has just tracked snow in the house. That’s right, someone just tracked fucking snow in the house, and you’re the poor bastard who stepped in it. Great, now you’ve gotta change one sock. Fuck it, maybe you’ll just go bare foot. Then again, your feet are probably disgusting. Your best bet is to just kiss that wet sock goodbye, and grab yourself a dry one. Read the rest of this entry

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Our Tree Was Better Than Yours | The Ghetto Christmas Tree

With Christmas being right around the corner, I figured I’d share last years Christmas Tree with all of you. As elegant as this “fine pine” (spruce for you forestry nerds) may be, don’t let it’s beauty fool you. To us guys (the cool ones anyway) who lived at 721 Lancaster—a.k.a. Poundtown, a.k.a. the house littered with broken glass, a.k.a. the house that almost blew the fuck up— from November up until March, that tree was the very staple that held our entire dysfunctional house together. Metaphorically speaking, that previous statement couldn’t be more true. However, due to a minor flooding incident, there’s also a very good chance that it served as an extra support beam as well. Regardless, that Christmas Tree stowed 80% of our recyclables, was once used as a urinal; by popular consensus, it was also determined to be the leading cause of air born illness. So, to all of you holiday cheer-misters posting pictures of your precious little Christmas Trees, just so you know, yours is still lacking character.

-Keith Morgan

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